[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?