I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
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I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My favorite farside!!
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8