Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.