The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
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Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
me working on my assignments ^-^
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*