I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one