I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*