Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
You Might Also Like
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
The devil.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good