I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
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All food is good if you spell it wrong
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.