Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
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I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart