I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Where is your GOD now????
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
When news reporters do sports stories
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?