Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I like long walks away from everyone
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.