if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
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“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know