This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
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Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Practicing safe sax
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.