Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
You Might Also Like
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I beg your pardon?
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet