Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
smartest karate player in the world
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
A leaf blower, but for people.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.