Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
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[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
wishing you and yours all the best
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music