General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
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I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
And now we wait
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship