I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Squirrels before girls.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
He took my last fry, your honor
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”