Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
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To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
And that about sums it up.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
⛄️
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]