[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
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I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew