If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
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So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work