My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
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Friday
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Social Media and Real life
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
What if all the cashiers are married?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named