A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
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Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.