[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
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I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Meeeee too!
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.