No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
You Might Also Like
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
i love modern commerce
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.