Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
You Might Also Like
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie