The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
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Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.