Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong