I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks