No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.