“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
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*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?