if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
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Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Wait a minute
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.