I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
You Might Also Like
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
the saddest jazz hands ever
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.