Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
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He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.