#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
The big book of baby names but for safe words
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.