Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?