Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?