accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.