“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
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I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
This is my favorite one of these!
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Breaking news:
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.