[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
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the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.