Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
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Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.