Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
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Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
the last thing a carrot sees
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.