I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
also my go-to takeaway order
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I feel it
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.