I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
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I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?