5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Easy enough.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Candles never taste the way they smell
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.