My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days