If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
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I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.