If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
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I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.