This will never not be funny to me.
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We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU