Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
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I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
bout dat hot dog summer
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man